I have got to the age of 31 and have successfully surrounded myself with people who I love, admire and, most importantly, like. There is a spanner in the works however. I have also got to this age and found that I really don’t like myself.
Now I am getting the disclaimer out of the way first, as I am sure somebody will call me out. Yes – I know this will read as terribly self-indulgent, and no, I am not fishing for compliments or people telling me I am incorrect in my views (oh and if I am doing a disclaimer I better throw it in for good measure ‘NOT ALL MEN’).
I have been aware of these feelings for a while and lately they have been on my mind a lot. If they are on my mind then I know damn well others out there are having the same problems. If you have read previous posts you will know how important it is to me that women and young girls feel safe and confident in their place in the world; If I am constantly telling others how they should love and accept themselves for who they are then I really need to address the fact that I fail miserably in this myself. With so many battles out there for us to face then having a battle within ourselves is not going to help. Today I am not going to talk about how we have ended up having this inner battle (a heady combo of the patriarchy crushing us down to take up as little space as possible while presenting us with unachievable demands for how to live the every minutiae of our existence) no, today I am just going to talk about how it feels to me personally and where I can go from here. Put your own breathing apparatus on before attempting to help others with theirs right?!
So where did it all begin, this terrible attitude towards myself? I can confidently say it was when I left junior school and moved on up to the seniors. We know from the amazing This Girl Can campaign that as girls hit puberty their confidence drops dramatically when it comes to involvement in sport. Well I would say mine nosedived off a cliff in every aspect of my life. I went to a school where girls had to wear skirts, tights allowed in winter, and this was the first thing to get to me. So many of the girls in my year were confident beauties who went around boasting of their conquests (teasing me in geography class for not knowing what a ‘BJ’ was) while rolling their skirts up to reveal long, coltish limbs that all the boys commented on. And goodness, did the boys comment. You quickly had to get used to having every bit of your body dissected, scored and scrutinised. In one of my classes I was sitting on a stool at a work bench when I heard a boy to the side of me laugh and say ‘look, Dan has lumpy legs’. In horror I realised that my thighs were showing dimples from the way I was sitting. I perched uncomfortably for the rest of the year, never letting my legs rest fully. Still to this day I am hugely wary of wearing anything that is above the knee, I can probably count on one hand how many times I have worn shorts or a skirt since then. One comment, I know, you would think I could get over it, but this and all the other remarks on my body over time have worn me down to the point that when I look in the mirror I just hear every negative echoing back at me.
I’ve developed defence mechanisms to cope of course, never taking cardigans or jackets off no matter how hot I am, always standing with my back against a wall so I can check who is there and if they are laughing at me. My main technique is pretty simple though, I just make the joke about myself first. I will quickly laugh about how I am the Michelin man and classic ‘who ate all the pies?!’ line, so everyone around knows I am in on it too, I don’t want them thinking how sad it is that I don’t know how awful I look. Plus it hurts less if I say it about myself, right?
I have been challenged in a counselling session to come up with something I liked about myself. I can work my way from the hair on top of my head to my toe nails and list fault with every last bit of me. When asked to come up with a positive I felt utterly stumped, I couldn’t even think of something to lie about because it would probably be so laughable. So I have known for some time that when it comes to my body, well, the ‘inside me’ just doesn’t love the ‘outside me’. But…here is the thing. Over the last few weeks I’ve been realised something else is going on. I don’t really like the ‘inside me’ either. My personality has so many obvious flaws that when I take the time to consider what I am like to talk to I shudder with the embarrassment. When in conversation with other people I have a constant monologue in my head telling me how stupid I am, why can’t I be more intelligent? Or funny? Or just a tiny bit interesting? When looking at those around me I wish I had just some kind of talent, I have friends who thrive at work, always look well-dressed or just have that *thing*. I really want a thing. What highlights my inaneness most is that I am fully aware that if I slipped away (other than with my close family) it would have no real effect on any of my ‘people’, I am nobody’s number one. I have a couple of really close friends who I would do anything for, but as much as I know they love and care about me, I know I am not ‘their person’ (Grey’s Anatomy fans will understand this completely!) Maybe in the end I just want to be wanted? The problem is I have seen the posters, you have to love yourself before anybody else can love you and all that. At the moment my brain is basically an emotionally abusive partner who puts me down in any way it can, it has just taken me a really long time to realise this, there is no love to be found.
It dawned on me that something had to change after a meeting with a counsellor at SARSAS, an amazing charity I am currently involved with. At some point during our one on one chat I got to the point where I explained ‘I feel bad when I go outside for the people that have to look at or talk to me, so I would rather stay inside’. My counsellor did an actual double take and then made me repeat what I had said 4 times. At home I kept on replaying her expression at this statement, the shock at what I had said and also just how sad she looked because of it. It made me question my behaviour and start to see that this is a real problem.
I can’t say I have got anywhere with it yet, but I think that recognising that I have this problem and being determined to move on is a start. I don’t know exactly how I am going to turn this round, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and think ‘you know what, she’s ok’ and I believe slowly but surely I will get there.
Have you had self-esteem problems? Have you or do you want to tackle them? And if so, how? Talk and be nice in the box below!
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